It’s almost 3 AM on June 20th, the day before my birthday.
I’m sitting here, in front of a pile of gifts, with a pork pie hat on. I’ve always wanted a pork pie hat, and the Universe brought it to me via Dad B., while he was visiting.
Tonight a bunch of my friends came to our little condo and celebrated me, laughing and joking and generally having a good time. Some of the people there I have known since I was half the age I am now, what seems like a lifetime ago. SM made me a space shuttle cake, and we all wore Darth Vader masks. It was magic and love and amazing things, and it was all for me. I feel humbled by the love my friends, my chosen family, show me. When they hug me I am reminded of how much I enjoy being touched, feeling connected to people and allowing them into my space.
The gifts are lovely, but it was the people who really made the night something to behold.
That and the awesome cake.
In the month since I last wrote, a lot of things have happened. SM found a job, working in a place that will help out not only with money but a discount on stuff we need to keep my art going. Her one woman show went off without a hitch (well, despite some technical glitches which were mostly user error and lack of communication with SM). I still haven’t ridden the bus, because we’ve had a lot of things to do and not a lot of time to do it. My Psychology class is going well, and I enjoy it a lot.
My photography class has changed my life.
I know how to develop my own film, from shooting to print, I have done everything. I’ve discovered photographers I never knew existed, and now cannot get enough of. I’ve learned to love film, to love the feeling of the paper under my fingers, and the excitement of seeing my work fade into life, ghostly and then solid, is more amazing than I have words for.
And then there is V, my instructor.
The first day of class, V smiled at me and I felt that tug. It was the, “This is one like you,” thing – something I rarely feel anymore, or rather, allow myself to feel. There was something about her stance, or her mannerisms, the way she talked – it just felt like I had Found Someone. Someone important, or at least, someone who was important to me long before this life. It was definitely an “Oh. I remember you.” moment.
I didn’t run up to her and say, “I think we’re kindred,” or anything. It was a gradual thing that looks to be blossoming into something beautiful. We have a lot in common, and she remarked that she doesn’t normally talk to students outside of the classroom but that she feels differently about me. She shared her private art with me, and it felt very much like she unzipped her chest, pulled aside the muscle and showed me her beating heart.
I don’t feel that way about many people – and I’ve tried to shut that part of me down after feeling wounded by a few I have let get close to me. She admitted she feels the same, and that she talks about me to her boyfriend. SM says she knew V and I would be friends from the get go, because I apparently came home and wouldn’t stop talking about her. V and SM met this past Friday, and V said that she didn’t know anyone in Vegas, and that it was nice to be friends with someone.
It is nice.
I get sad sometimes, to be honest. I get sad that there are people I feel this pull with that I cannot touch. I cannot hug them, I cannot hear their laugh, I do not know what it feels like to have their arms around me for a moment. It’s hard, and I wonder why we chose to be so far away from each other this time around. I know, eventually, one day, I will hug each and every one of them, but in the mean time it’s hard. Sometimes it makes me so sad that I find SM wherever she is, and just hold my arms wide and then hug her tight, burying my face into the side of her neck. For someone who does not like to be touched by other people, sometimes it is the only thing I can think of that makes me feel like I am really here.
This last assignment was self portraits. We were allowed to take photos of “extension of self” – people, things, places, that we felt represented us. I took pictures of a lot of things. Books, the Stormies, other cameras, Murphy. In the end, I chose eight prints. I was only in two of them. The rest of them were of SM, and she was in one of the two I was in as well. When it came time for me to talk about my work I said, “I chose these pictures because I hate my face, I hate looking at it and seeing my father’s features, or my sister’s face, because they don’t love me and in turn sometimes I can’t love myself. When I met SM I was depressed and felt worthless and that maybe I should just check out, see ya around, good bye. I chose these pictures because SM is the reason I’m sitting here, because she is so open and compassionate for the world around us, because she is my shield for so many things. She is the ‘face’ of our relationship, the one who makes me feel safe.”
I started to cry, right there, in the classroom, in front of 11 other people. The girl sitting next to me reached out and touched my shoulder, and when I looked up, I saw V was crying too.
Tonight some of my oldest friends came over and saw a few of the photos I took for that assignment. Later I was on Skype with a woman who makes me feel that same sense of love and family, and I held the pictures up to my webcam for her. Whole continents and oceans separate us, but for an hour or so, it was like she was right here.
I was supposed to go to bed, but I couldn’t stop thinking. I worry about a man who lives in New England who I wish I could hug – another soul who gave off that, “Hi there. I remember you.” I worry that he is okay. I was thinking about my friend Patricia, and hoped that her dogs were nuzzling her, and that she knew I was thinking about her. I was thankful that H didn’t think I was being strange for asking her to be careful because she was in a strange dream I had.
I said on Facebook that I wished they all lived closer. And I meant it. I love this medium, and I love the people it has brought into my life, however it makes me realize how very far away I am from the people I care about most.
It’s my birthday in New Zealand right now.
I still have Sunday ahead of me.
I should sleep. I have more pictures to shoot for Monday.